Archive for the ‘Job’ Category

As I Lose My Job

June 23, 2008

            I used to really love my job.  Monday’s were never a drag and it was never hard to get started.  There was a lot of variety in what I did each day, a lot of flexibility, travel, and the job was very meaningful.  I wasn’t just selling cans of green beans.  What I did made a real difference in people’s lives.

            Not so much any more.  As the organization grew the job has changed.  A lot.  There is a need for much more of a professional salesman in my role.  That’s not who I am, and that’s not who I want to be.  So, I am not so slowly any more losing my job and this part of my life will be over shortly.

            The organization is still great, and I’d even recommend working there.  The job is still very meaningful and makes a real difference.  But, I am no longer good at it.  So, there is a real sense of loss as the change comes about.  There is loss and anxiety as I figure out what comes next.

            All this came on very quickly.  If you’d asked me six months ago I’d have told you I love my job.  But, the company I work for reorganized and now things are very different.  I don’t work for or with any of the same people anymore.  The team I am on is full of good people who are nice enough and they are good at what they do.  So, it’s not that the these people are the cause of the problems.

            But, it is different.  We don’t have the same history.  I have to prove myself all over to them.  And that hasn’t gone well.  Three times in the last three months things have gone wrong.  Not stop the presses, you’re fired wrong.  But bad enough for an “Uh oh” kind of moment.  It wasn’t my fault either.  Probably 30% of any of it was in my control, and the part I could control I did reasonably well.  But it fell in my lap anyway.

            Now I don’t really feel wanted where I am, which sucks.  And I have tremendous doubts about my abilities, which sucks even more.  I think, “Maybe they’re right.  Maybe it is me and I am not capable.”

            Look, I know I am not a superstar at any of this.  I’m just an average guy making his way in the world.  But, I must be good at something, right?  I must be above average somewhere in my life.  Don’t the law of averages say that must be true?  (I’m not good enough at math to know for sure).

            It’s really difficult to start something new when you don’t feel competent at anything.  How do I start a new job, especially in the field where I have experience when I’ve demonstrated to those around me that I am not very good at it?  How do I start something new when I don’t feel capable of impressing anyone?

            There is a need to pull up by the bootstraps.  I have a mortgage and a family to take care of, so I can’t wallow in too much self pity.  And I think I’ll find something at some point that I enjoy again.  I just need to get the confidence to try.  Or come to a place where it is too scary not to.

            In the mean time I’ll suffer through this painful time and look forward to a time when the anxiety is gone and I can tell myself that I may not be the smartest or the best, but I am contributing.