Archive for June, 2008

As I Lose My Job

June 23, 2008

            I used to really love my job.  Monday’s were never a drag and it was never hard to get started.  There was a lot of variety in what I did each day, a lot of flexibility, travel, and the job was very meaningful.  I wasn’t just selling cans of green beans.  What I did made a real difference in people’s lives.

            Not so much any more.  As the organization grew the job has changed.  A lot.  There is a need for much more of a professional salesman in my role.  That’s not who I am, and that’s not who I want to be.  So, I am not so slowly any more losing my job and this part of my life will be over shortly.

            The organization is still great, and I’d even recommend working there.  The job is still very meaningful and makes a real difference.  But, I am no longer good at it.  So, there is a real sense of loss as the change comes about.  There is loss and anxiety as I figure out what comes next.

            All this came on very quickly.  If you’d asked me six months ago I’d have told you I love my job.  But, the company I work for reorganized and now things are very different.  I don’t work for or with any of the same people anymore.  The team I am on is full of good people who are nice enough and they are good at what they do.  So, it’s not that the these people are the cause of the problems.

            But, it is different.  We don’t have the same history.  I have to prove myself all over to them.  And that hasn’t gone well.  Three times in the last three months things have gone wrong.  Not stop the presses, you’re fired wrong.  But bad enough for an “Uh oh” kind of moment.  It wasn’t my fault either.  Probably 30% of any of it was in my control, and the part I could control I did reasonably well.  But it fell in my lap anyway.

            Now I don’t really feel wanted where I am, which sucks.  And I have tremendous doubts about my abilities, which sucks even more.  I think, “Maybe they’re right.  Maybe it is me and I am not capable.”

            Look, I know I am not a superstar at any of this.  I’m just an average guy making his way in the world.  But, I must be good at something, right?  I must be above average somewhere in my life.  Don’t the law of averages say that must be true?  (I’m not good enough at math to know for sure).

            It’s really difficult to start something new when you don’t feel competent at anything.  How do I start a new job, especially in the field where I have experience when I’ve demonstrated to those around me that I am not very good at it?  How do I start something new when I don’t feel capable of impressing anyone?

            There is a need to pull up by the bootstraps.  I have a mortgage and a family to take care of, so I can’t wallow in too much self pity.  And I think I’ll find something at some point that I enjoy again.  I just need to get the confidence to try.  Or come to a place where it is too scary not to.

            In the mean time I’ll suffer through this painful time and look forward to a time when the anxiety is gone and I can tell myself that I may not be the smartest or the best, but I am contributing.

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Prayer about my Job

June 6, 2008

When I wait for God to tell me what to choose or what door to knock on there’s a film playing in my head that overwhelms any voice I might hear.  The film is every possibility, anticipating the worst and hoping for what I think is the best but may not be to the omniscient one.  Sometimes the music swells and panic fills me as I think I’ve missed what He had to say and He’s moved on to something far more important.  Other times I play a game, acting as director of the film, moving the players around the set in an unspoken agreement that if I make end in a certain way then He will make it come true.  Or even worse is the thought that if I turn off the movie and just sit in the empty theater of my mind, my knees bouncing up and down, my fingers tapping on the seat in front of me that He will then join me and bring resolution, manipulation of the one who doesn’t just hold the answers and the future in His hands, but who cares enough about me not to respond so I can see what is truly important.  And, I can’t wait more than a minute anyway before I restart the film, a much darker one than before.

 

I don’t want to see the important or the process.  I don’t want to grow or develop in pain and anxiety.  I don’t want to trust but to have trusted and be beyond this stage and moving into the next.  I just want the final answer.

 

Where are you Lord and the answers that you promised?  I ask the question and before it is even a recognizable thought in my mind He is reminding me of the answers He has given me so many times before, such as Psalm 37 when He told me to trust, delight, commit and wait, but I don’t want to wait.  I want to know.  I want you to shine the light just a little ways ahead.  I want to know that you are handling this problem and that I don’t’ need to worry.  I want to know what you are going to do and what I should be doing.  Please Lord bring me to a place of peace and hope and resolution and do it today  I know that is not the faith you want, but I am stretched far beyond what I can do anymore.

 

I want, I want, I want, cried the child begging for the dream of the last five minutes that he won’t remember five minutes from now.