When I wait for God to tell me what to choose or what door to knock on there’s a film playing in my head that overwhelms any voice I might hear. The film is every possibility, anticipating the worst and hoping for what I think is the best but may not be to the omniscient one. Sometimes the music swells and panic fills me as I think I’ve missed what He had to say and He’s moved on to something far more important. Other times I play a game, acting as director of the film, moving the players around the set in an unspoken agreement that if I make end in a certain way then He will make it come true. Or even worse is the thought that if I turn off the movie and just sit in the empty theater of my mind, my knees bouncing up and down, my fingers tapping on the seat in front of me that He will then join me and bring resolution, manipulation of the one who doesn’t just hold the answers and the future in His hands, but who cares enough about me not to respond so I can see what is truly important. And, I can’t wait more than a minute anyway before I restart the film, a much darker one than before.
I don’t want to see the important or the process. I don’t want to grow or develop in pain and anxiety. I don’t want to trust but to have trusted and be beyond this stage and moving into the next. I just want the final answer.
Where are you Lord and the answers that you promised? I ask the question and before it is even a recognizable thought in my mind He is reminding me of the answers He has given me so many times before, such as Psalm 37 when He told me to trust, delight, commit and wait, but I don’t want to wait. I want to know. I want you to shine the light just a little ways ahead. I want to know that you are handling this problem and that I don’t’ need to worry. I want to know what you are going to do and what I should be doing. Please Lord bring me to a place of peace and hope and resolution and do it today I know that is not the faith you want, but I am stretched far beyond what I can do anymore.
I want, I want, I want, cried the child begging for the dream of the last five minutes that he won’t remember five minutes from now.
